My birthday was last week. It was a big one too (agh!). Truth be told, I was starting to look forward to it. I have ignored birthday celebrations for years because QB thought it was dumb to have huge parties for an adult. I let it be known that I was expecting something more than a store-bought cake to celebrate my big day.
So, this is how it actually played out.
I got up with Captain at the normal 6am. Followed shortly by Prince at 7. No rest for the birthday girl. Meanwhile, QB lounged in bed (alone) until 8:30 while I prepared breakfast for the munchkins and managed to sneak a few bites here and there myself. QB finally appeared and announced that he was taking the day off work. I started to get my hopes up that he had big plans to celebrate my day, but disappointment soon set in, along with reality. He said he called off because he wasn't feeling well and took his ass back to bed.
So, along with normal-day chores and activities, I also had to answer the questions, "What is Daddy doing? When is Daddy coming down? Can I go wake Daddy now?" every 15 seconds.
When QB decided to join the human race again, he made it known that he was going to do somethings he wanted to that day and not to expect him to do anything with his kids. Nice...
I did get a few nice gifts from him and the kiddos. But for the rest of the day, I folded laundry, fed kids, cleaned the house, made beds, and all that good stuff while he dug in my garden (something I love to do, but can't with two kids hanging on me), washed his truck (not my car, however) and generally did what he wanted.
Come dinner time, I thought he must have plans, but as it got later and he never came in for a shower or to ask what I wanted to eat, I realized that there was a big fat nothing planned. I finally asked him what he was going to do about dinner and he looked at me like I had sprouted a second head. His response: "Well, what did you have planned. I was supposed to work today anyway and what would you have done then?"
I told him to order something and do it fast- before the natives got restless.
The next day (a Friday), I had wanted to go out with friends. I did all the planning, inviting, and getting ready myself. No one else had a husband coming, but he was insistent upon going. I tried to convince him that he would be bored with a bunch of women (which he was- hehehe). After all, what do we talk about when we get together- our husbands and our children. My parents babysat, and I asked him to go home and relieve then at a decent hour. My neighbor was there so I had a ride home. But he refused to leave so I ended up going home at 11:30.
So much for a big exciting birthday. Guess I have to wait another ten years to get the celebration I wanted.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Taking Flight
We have birds in our house. Not in the part we live in, but in the attic, and somehow one managed to find it's way to the basement also. This may seem like a general house-repair kind of problem, but let me take a moment and explain it the way I see it. Clearly, it's all QB's fault.
Three years ago, when we needed a new roof put on the house, I contacted a number of reputable local companies who did roofing work. After getting estimates, I allowed QB to make the final decision on who was going to do the work because I really don't know anything about roofing, the materials, or how much it should cost. I heard for months that he wished he could do it himself so we wouldn't have to pay someone to do it, but, of course, I would be waiting years for that to happen. He finally went out a hired someone to do it. Not one of the licensed contractors on my list, but a I-do-this-on-the-side-when-I-can-with-whatever-help-I-can-find kind of guy. Of course it was cheaper. But three years later, the gutters are about to fall off the house. Not that I'm a roofing expert, but it appears the man who did the work on our house wasn't either.
So, now we have problems with a three year old roof that is supposed to be good for at least 30 years. What would you do? Fix it, have it done correctly, make the original worker make the repairs? All of these would be correct answers. Let me tell you what is not an acceptable answer: nothing. And that's what was done.
After lots of snow, torrential downpours and a few frightening wind storms, we have holes large enough for birds to get into the attic. The spot the like best is in the corner above Captain's room and the time they are the noisiest is about 8:00 at night, when he has been asleep for about 30 minutes.
I've asked nicely. I've complained. I've made sarcastic comments. I've nagged. I've started asking my father-in-law to stop by and force QB to do something about it. And still... there are birds in my attic.
Three years ago, when we needed a new roof put on the house, I contacted a number of reputable local companies who did roofing work. After getting estimates, I allowed QB to make the final decision on who was going to do the work because I really don't know anything about roofing, the materials, or how much it should cost. I heard for months that he wished he could do it himself so we wouldn't have to pay someone to do it, but, of course, I would be waiting years for that to happen. He finally went out a hired someone to do it. Not one of the licensed contractors on my list, but a I-do-this-on-the-side-when-I-can-with-whatever-help-I-can-find kind of guy. Of course it was cheaper. But three years later, the gutters are about to fall off the house. Not that I'm a roofing expert, but it appears the man who did the work on our house wasn't either.
So, now we have problems with a three year old roof that is supposed to be good for at least 30 years. What would you do? Fix it, have it done correctly, make the original worker make the repairs? All of these would be correct answers. Let me tell you what is not an acceptable answer: nothing. And that's what was done.
After lots of snow, torrential downpours and a few frightening wind storms, we have holes large enough for birds to get into the attic. The spot the like best is in the corner above Captain's room and the time they are the noisiest is about 8:00 at night, when he has been asleep for about 30 minutes.
I've asked nicely. I've complained. I've made sarcastic comments. I've nagged. I've started asking my father-in-law to stop by and force QB to do something about it. And still... there are birds in my attic.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Last Night
The following is the conversation between me and QB last night:
Me: We need to make a trip to Sam's club to get some things. I have a list of about six things that we really need.
QB: Yeah, I need coffee creamer. (me thinking: how about something we all need, like, I don't know, chicken?!?)
Me: Are you going to go or I am going to have to go and take both kids?
QB: Well, I don't know when I'll have time. Besides, we have to wait until payday.
Me: Why? Isn't there plenty of money in the account.
QB: Nope. Very little.
Me: What on earth happened to all the tax return money??
QB: We spent it. (me thinking: WTF? You mean you spent it on stupid crap that we don't even need!)
Me: On what?
QB: Bills
* Now, I know for a fact that a large portion of this money was NOT spent on bills, but instead he used it as a personal windfall to purchase novelty items that he wants. I was here when several hundred dollars worth of power tools were delivered via Fed Ex. We don't have space for these tools and they certainly weren't necessary for our family. But he spent money that should have been used for bills and food on things he thinks would be fun to have, use once or twice, and otherwise will just further junk up the house.
After stating that we have no money, he considered the conversation closed and refused to further discuss our money situation, or lack-of-money situation. So, again, I went to bed pissed.
Me: We need to make a trip to Sam's club to get some things. I have a list of about six things that we really need.
QB: Yeah, I need coffee creamer. (me thinking: how about something we all need, like, I don't know, chicken?!?)
Me: Are you going to go or I am going to have to go and take both kids?
QB: Well, I don't know when I'll have time. Besides, we have to wait until payday.
Me: Why? Isn't there plenty of money in the account.
QB: Nope. Very little.
Me: What on earth happened to all the tax return money??
QB: We spent it. (me thinking: WTF? You mean you spent it on stupid crap that we don't even need!)
Me: On what?
QB: Bills
* Now, I know for a fact that a large portion of this money was NOT spent on bills, but instead he used it as a personal windfall to purchase novelty items that he wants. I was here when several hundred dollars worth of power tools were delivered via Fed Ex. We don't have space for these tools and they certainly weren't necessary for our family. But he spent money that should have been used for bills and food on things he thinks would be fun to have, use once or twice, and otherwise will just further junk up the house.
After stating that we have no money, he considered the conversation closed and refused to further discuss our money situation, or lack-of-money situation. So, again, I went to bed pissed.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Keeping the Path
With all of my complains about my marriage, why am I still in it? Is the investment really worth it?
Essentially, I'm still here because of my children. Is that a great reason to remain in an unsatisfactory relationship? I'm not sure, but it is the choice I'm making each day.
I don't know if I would be happier with or without a spouse. I often think I would be, but would I prefer to work 40+ hours a week, struggle to pay bills and child care expenses, cook, clean, and do laundry? Would I be any happier knowing I have to deliver my children to someone else, even if it is their father, and not see them for several days at a time? Would I prefer to never have another adult to talk to or always be the one to send a kid back to bed at one in the morning? Although I feel "on my own" much of the time as a parent anyway, do I want to make it official?
And what about the toll it would take on my children? How would they handle having to split their time between parents? Or having to go to daycare instead of hanging out at home on a Tuesday morning?
Another one of my obstacles is the idea that I would be saying I will not have any more children. I know, the idea of bringing another child into a mediocre-at-best marriage may not be ideal either, but I know for a fact that my purpose is to raise my children the best that I can. The two monkeys are wonderful, but am I really ready to be finished?
I have no notions of "growing old together" or "happily ever after." They are lovely sentiments, but usually not that practical. So, there are sacrifices I'm willing to make in order to provide the absolute best for my children. Happiness may not be the pinnacle of a successful life. Maybe the satisfaction that I did the best I could and raised intelligent, responsible, respectful, successful men will be the highlight of my lifetime.
Essentially, I'm still here because of my children. Is that a great reason to remain in an unsatisfactory relationship? I'm not sure, but it is the choice I'm making each day.
I don't know if I would be happier with or without a spouse. I often think I would be, but would I prefer to work 40+ hours a week, struggle to pay bills and child care expenses, cook, clean, and do laundry? Would I be any happier knowing I have to deliver my children to someone else, even if it is their father, and not see them for several days at a time? Would I prefer to never have another adult to talk to or always be the one to send a kid back to bed at one in the morning? Although I feel "on my own" much of the time as a parent anyway, do I want to make it official?
And what about the toll it would take on my children? How would they handle having to split their time between parents? Or having to go to daycare instead of hanging out at home on a Tuesday morning?
Another one of my obstacles is the idea that I would be saying I will not have any more children. I know, the idea of bringing another child into a mediocre-at-best marriage may not be ideal either, but I know for a fact that my purpose is to raise my children the best that I can. The two monkeys are wonderful, but am I really ready to be finished?
I have no notions of "growing old together" or "happily ever after." They are lovely sentiments, but usually not that practical. So, there are sacrifices I'm willing to make in order to provide the absolute best for my children. Happiness may not be the pinnacle of a successful life. Maybe the satisfaction that I did the best I could and raised intelligent, responsible, respectful, successful men will be the highlight of my lifetime.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Why You Have No Idea
Why don't you know me? I'm sure you think you do. I've lived in this house with you for eight years. You've seen every part of my body- when I was in the best shape of my life and a mess after giving birth to a large baby. But the fact that you know my underwear size does not mean that you know me.
You don't know me and never will because you don't listen. You may know my favorite ice cream flavor, but you don't have a clue why I was upset enough to eat the entire container. Maybe you think you've heard everything there is to hear from me and that is why your eyes slowly drift toward the TV remote you are longing for when I start talking. You have no idea that the way to get what you want is to look me in the eye, listen first to what I have to say, and formulate an empathic and understanding response.
My concerns are real. I deserve to be taken seriously. I don't believe that you have our finances under control. I don't feel secure that you will put your family above yourself when making decisions. And I definitely do not have a comfort that you would delay gratification for the sake of a better school, neighborhood, or diet.
You won't know me because you don't give me the chance to be who I can and want to be. I don't enjoy operating at the breaking point all the time. But I will function that way because I have to for my children. I don't have the option to crawl back into bed in the morning because the sun is too bright or 6:00 is too early. I can't run out for a coffee or a glass of wine after work because there is no one else to watch the kids. I can't even get to the gym because we don't have the money to pay for the gym membership and the child care. You have no idea the sacrifices I have made for this family- willingly.
Or maybe you do and choose to write them off as meaningless. Either way, it makes me less confident in you, in my feelings for you, and in our relationship.
Essentially, I'm the woman you'll never know because you won't put in the effort to know me. You choose the easiest option available- all the time, regardless of the cost. Earning trust and sustaining a life-long intimate relationship is never the easiest path.
You don't know me and never will because you don't listen. You may know my favorite ice cream flavor, but you don't have a clue why I was upset enough to eat the entire container. Maybe you think you've heard everything there is to hear from me and that is why your eyes slowly drift toward the TV remote you are longing for when I start talking. You have no idea that the way to get what you want is to look me in the eye, listen first to what I have to say, and formulate an empathic and understanding response.
My concerns are real. I deserve to be taken seriously. I don't believe that you have our finances under control. I don't feel secure that you will put your family above yourself when making decisions. And I definitely do not have a comfort that you would delay gratification for the sake of a better school, neighborhood, or diet.
You won't know me because you don't give me the chance to be who I can and want to be. I don't enjoy operating at the breaking point all the time. But I will function that way because I have to for my children. I don't have the option to crawl back into bed in the morning because the sun is too bright or 6:00 is too early. I can't run out for a coffee or a glass of wine after work because there is no one else to watch the kids. I can't even get to the gym because we don't have the money to pay for the gym membership and the child care. You have no idea the sacrifices I have made for this family- willingly.
Or maybe you do and choose to write them off as meaningless. Either way, it makes me less confident in you, in my feelings for you, and in our relationship.
Essentially, I'm the woman you'll never know because you won't put in the effort to know me. You choose the easiest option available- all the time, regardless of the cost. Earning trust and sustaining a life-long intimate relationship is never the easiest path.
Monday, May 16, 2011
What's the Point?
So, what is the point of this blog? Some days when you read it, it may appear that the point is just to bitch about my life. I'm not above doing that occassionally, but that's not really the point.
The point is that I know I'm not the only one to feel this way. Even if you don't agree with half of what I say, I'm sure that you will find yourself in my words at one time or another. It's the fact of sharing your life with someone else. There are days you can't wait to spend time with that person. Then there are days you can't wait for them to leave. Unfortunately, I probably get more of the latter.
The point is, it may be unacceptable to admit how we feel to others, and most especially to our significant other, but it is not an uncommon human experience to think, "why on earth did I marry you? Did we ever have anything in common?"
Maybe it's time that changes things. We all change and adapt to our life experiences. Some of us grow with challenge, while other shrink. Maybe it's children- when your priority becomes sustaining a small life, you focus on the person who needs you for everything, rather than the other adult in the household.
The point is that I know I'm not the only one to feel this way. Even if you don't agree with half of what I say, I'm sure that you will find yourself in my words at one time or another. It's the fact of sharing your life with someone else. There are days you can't wait to spend time with that person. Then there are days you can't wait for them to leave. Unfortunately, I probably get more of the latter.
The point is, it may be unacceptable to admit how we feel to others, and most especially to our significant other, but it is not an uncommon human experience to think, "why on earth did I marry you? Did we ever have anything in common?"
Maybe it's time that changes things. We all change and adapt to our life experiences. Some of us grow with challenge, while other shrink. Maybe it's children- when your priority becomes sustaining a small life, you focus on the person who needs you for everything, rather than the other adult in the household.
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