The following is the conversation between me and QB last night:
Me: We need to make a trip to Sam's club to get some things. I have a list of about six things that we really need.
QB: Yeah, I need coffee creamer. (me thinking: how about something we all need, like, I don't know, chicken?!?)
Me: Are you going to go or I am going to have to go and take both kids?
QB: Well, I don't know when I'll have time. Besides, we have to wait until payday.
Me: Why? Isn't there plenty of money in the account.
QB: Nope. Very little.
Me: What on earth happened to all the tax return money??
QB: We spent it. (me thinking: WTF? You mean you spent it on stupid crap that we don't even need!)
Me: On what?
QB: Bills
* Now, I know for a fact that a large portion of this money was NOT spent on bills, but instead he used it as a personal windfall to purchase novelty items that he wants. I was here when several hundred dollars worth of power tools were delivered via Fed Ex. We don't have space for these tools and they certainly weren't necessary for our family. But he spent money that should have been used for bills and food on things he thinks would be fun to have, use once or twice, and otherwise will just further junk up the house.
After stating that we have no money, he considered the conversation closed and refused to further discuss our money situation, or lack-of-money situation. So, again, I went to bed pissed.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Keeping the Path
With all of my complains about my marriage, why am I still in it? Is the investment really worth it?
Essentially, I'm still here because of my children. Is that a great reason to remain in an unsatisfactory relationship? I'm not sure, but it is the choice I'm making each day.
I don't know if I would be happier with or without a spouse. I often think I would be, but would I prefer to work 40+ hours a week, struggle to pay bills and child care expenses, cook, clean, and do laundry? Would I be any happier knowing I have to deliver my children to someone else, even if it is their father, and not see them for several days at a time? Would I prefer to never have another adult to talk to or always be the one to send a kid back to bed at one in the morning? Although I feel "on my own" much of the time as a parent anyway, do I want to make it official?
And what about the toll it would take on my children? How would they handle having to split their time between parents? Or having to go to daycare instead of hanging out at home on a Tuesday morning?
Another one of my obstacles is the idea that I would be saying I will not have any more children. I know, the idea of bringing another child into a mediocre-at-best marriage may not be ideal either, but I know for a fact that my purpose is to raise my children the best that I can. The two monkeys are wonderful, but am I really ready to be finished?
I have no notions of "growing old together" or "happily ever after." They are lovely sentiments, but usually not that practical. So, there are sacrifices I'm willing to make in order to provide the absolute best for my children. Happiness may not be the pinnacle of a successful life. Maybe the satisfaction that I did the best I could and raised intelligent, responsible, respectful, successful men will be the highlight of my lifetime.
Essentially, I'm still here because of my children. Is that a great reason to remain in an unsatisfactory relationship? I'm not sure, but it is the choice I'm making each day.
I don't know if I would be happier with or without a spouse. I often think I would be, but would I prefer to work 40+ hours a week, struggle to pay bills and child care expenses, cook, clean, and do laundry? Would I be any happier knowing I have to deliver my children to someone else, even if it is their father, and not see them for several days at a time? Would I prefer to never have another adult to talk to or always be the one to send a kid back to bed at one in the morning? Although I feel "on my own" much of the time as a parent anyway, do I want to make it official?
And what about the toll it would take on my children? How would they handle having to split their time between parents? Or having to go to daycare instead of hanging out at home on a Tuesday morning?
Another one of my obstacles is the idea that I would be saying I will not have any more children. I know, the idea of bringing another child into a mediocre-at-best marriage may not be ideal either, but I know for a fact that my purpose is to raise my children the best that I can. The two monkeys are wonderful, but am I really ready to be finished?
I have no notions of "growing old together" or "happily ever after." They are lovely sentiments, but usually not that practical. So, there are sacrifices I'm willing to make in order to provide the absolute best for my children. Happiness may not be the pinnacle of a successful life. Maybe the satisfaction that I did the best I could and raised intelligent, responsible, respectful, successful men will be the highlight of my lifetime.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Why You Have No Idea
Why don't you know me? I'm sure you think you do. I've lived in this house with you for eight years. You've seen every part of my body- when I was in the best shape of my life and a mess after giving birth to a large baby. But the fact that you know my underwear size does not mean that you know me.
You don't know me and never will because you don't listen. You may know my favorite ice cream flavor, but you don't have a clue why I was upset enough to eat the entire container. Maybe you think you've heard everything there is to hear from me and that is why your eyes slowly drift toward the TV remote you are longing for when I start talking. You have no idea that the way to get what you want is to look me in the eye, listen first to what I have to say, and formulate an empathic and understanding response.
My concerns are real. I deserve to be taken seriously. I don't believe that you have our finances under control. I don't feel secure that you will put your family above yourself when making decisions. And I definitely do not have a comfort that you would delay gratification for the sake of a better school, neighborhood, or diet.
You won't know me because you don't give me the chance to be who I can and want to be. I don't enjoy operating at the breaking point all the time. But I will function that way because I have to for my children. I don't have the option to crawl back into bed in the morning because the sun is too bright or 6:00 is too early. I can't run out for a coffee or a glass of wine after work because there is no one else to watch the kids. I can't even get to the gym because we don't have the money to pay for the gym membership and the child care. You have no idea the sacrifices I have made for this family- willingly.
Or maybe you do and choose to write them off as meaningless. Either way, it makes me less confident in you, in my feelings for you, and in our relationship.
Essentially, I'm the woman you'll never know because you won't put in the effort to know me. You choose the easiest option available- all the time, regardless of the cost. Earning trust and sustaining a life-long intimate relationship is never the easiest path.
You don't know me and never will because you don't listen. You may know my favorite ice cream flavor, but you don't have a clue why I was upset enough to eat the entire container. Maybe you think you've heard everything there is to hear from me and that is why your eyes slowly drift toward the TV remote you are longing for when I start talking. You have no idea that the way to get what you want is to look me in the eye, listen first to what I have to say, and formulate an empathic and understanding response.
My concerns are real. I deserve to be taken seriously. I don't believe that you have our finances under control. I don't feel secure that you will put your family above yourself when making decisions. And I definitely do not have a comfort that you would delay gratification for the sake of a better school, neighborhood, or diet.
You won't know me because you don't give me the chance to be who I can and want to be. I don't enjoy operating at the breaking point all the time. But I will function that way because I have to for my children. I don't have the option to crawl back into bed in the morning because the sun is too bright or 6:00 is too early. I can't run out for a coffee or a glass of wine after work because there is no one else to watch the kids. I can't even get to the gym because we don't have the money to pay for the gym membership and the child care. You have no idea the sacrifices I have made for this family- willingly.
Or maybe you do and choose to write them off as meaningless. Either way, it makes me less confident in you, in my feelings for you, and in our relationship.
Essentially, I'm the woman you'll never know because you won't put in the effort to know me. You choose the easiest option available- all the time, regardless of the cost. Earning trust and sustaining a life-long intimate relationship is never the easiest path.
Monday, May 16, 2011
What's the Point?
So, what is the point of this blog? Some days when you read it, it may appear that the point is just to bitch about my life. I'm not above doing that occassionally, but that's not really the point.
The point is that I know I'm not the only one to feel this way. Even if you don't agree with half of what I say, I'm sure that you will find yourself in my words at one time or another. It's the fact of sharing your life with someone else. There are days you can't wait to spend time with that person. Then there are days you can't wait for them to leave. Unfortunately, I probably get more of the latter.
The point is, it may be unacceptable to admit how we feel to others, and most especially to our significant other, but it is not an uncommon human experience to think, "why on earth did I marry you? Did we ever have anything in common?"
Maybe it's time that changes things. We all change and adapt to our life experiences. Some of us grow with challenge, while other shrink. Maybe it's children- when your priority becomes sustaining a small life, you focus on the person who needs you for everything, rather than the other adult in the household.
The point is that I know I'm not the only one to feel this way. Even if you don't agree with half of what I say, I'm sure that you will find yourself in my words at one time or another. It's the fact of sharing your life with someone else. There are days you can't wait to spend time with that person. Then there are days you can't wait for them to leave. Unfortunately, I probably get more of the latter.
The point is, it may be unacceptable to admit how we feel to others, and most especially to our significant other, but it is not an uncommon human experience to think, "why on earth did I marry you? Did we ever have anything in common?"
Maybe it's time that changes things. We all change and adapt to our life experiences. Some of us grow with challenge, while other shrink. Maybe it's children- when your priority becomes sustaining a small life, you focus on the person who needs you for everything, rather than the other adult in the household.
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