Why You Have No Idea

Why don't you know me? I'm sure you think you do. I've lived in this house with you for eight years. You've seen every part of my body- when I was in the best shape of my life and a mess after giving birth to a large baby. But the fact that you know my underwear size does not mean that you know me.

You don't know me and never will because you don't listen. You may know my favorite ice cream flavor, but you don't have a clue why I was upset enough to eat the entire container. Maybe you think you've heard everything there is to hear from me and that is why your eyes slowly drift toward the TV remote you are longing for when I start talking. You have no idea that the way to get what you want is to look me in the eye, listen first to what I have to say, and formulate an empathic and understanding response.

My concerns are real. I deserve to be taken seriously. I don't believe that you have our finances under control. I don't feel secure that you will put your family above yourself when making decisions. And I definitely do not have a comfort that you would delay gratification for the sake of a better school, neighborhood, or diet.

You won't know me because you don't give me the chance to be who I can and want to be. I don't enjoy operating at the breaking point all the time. But I will function that way because I have to for my children. I don't have the option to crawl back into bed in the morning because the sun is too bright or 6:00 is too early. I can't run out for a coffee or a glass of wine after work because there is no one else to watch the kids. I can't even get to the gym because we don't have the money to pay for the gym membership and the child care. You have no idea the sacrifices I have made for this family- willingly.

Or maybe you do and choose to write them off as meaningless. Either way, it makes me less confident in you, in my feelings for you, and in our relationship.

Essentially, I'm the woman you'll never know because you won't put in the effort to know me. You choose the easiest option available- all the time, regardless of the cost. Earning trust and sustaining a life-long intimate relationship is never the easiest path.